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Funny Jewish Jokes

admin — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 05:34:25 +0000

A widowed Jewish lady was sunbathing on a beach at Ft. Myers Florida . She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. ‘Hello, sir, how are you today?
‘Fine, thank you,’ he responded, and turned back to his book.
‘I love the beach. Do you come here often?’ she asked ‘First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago,’ he replied and turned back
to his book.
‘I’m sorry to hear that. My husband passed away 3 years ago and it is very lonely’ she countered. Do you live around here?’ she asked.
‘Yes, I live over in Cape Coral , ‘he answered’ and again resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, ‘Do you like pussy cats?
With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket and on to her, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, ‘How did you know that was what I wanted?
The man replied, ‘How did you know my name was Katz?

The First Jewish President Joke

admin — Mon, 08 Aug 2011 00:39:37 +0000

The year is 2016 and the United States has just elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldfarb. She calls up her mother a few weeks after election day and says, ‘So, Mom, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?”I don’t think so.

‘It’s a ten hour drive, your father isn’t as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.’

‘Don’t worry about it Mom, I’ll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.’

‘I don’t know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?’

Oh Mom, replies Susan, ‘I’ll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York .’

‘Honey,’ Mom complains, ‘you know I can’t eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.’

The President-to-be responds, ‘Don’t worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York , kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come.’

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new president’s mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her.

‘You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States

The Senator whispers back, ‘Yes I do.’

Mom says proudly, ‘Her brother is a doctor.’

Hilarious Jewish Jokes And One Liners

admin — Sun, 01 May 2011 08:17:23 +0000

Three men, an Italian, a Frenchman, and a Jew, were condemned to be executed. Their captors told them that they had the right to have a final meal before the execution. They asked the Frenchman what he wanted.

“Give me the best French wine and French bread,” he requested.

So they gave it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him. Next it was the Italian’s turn.

“Give me a great big plate of pasta,” said the Italian.

So they brought it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him. Now it was the Jew’s turn.

“I want a big bowl of strawberries, ” said the Jew.

“Strawberries!!! They aren’t even in season!”

“Nu, so I’ll wait…”

Three men, an Italian, a Frenchman, and a Jew, were condemned to be executed. Their captors told them that they had the right to have a final meal before the execution.

They asked the Frenchman what he wanted.

“Give me the best French wine and French bread,” he requested.

So they gave it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him. Next it was the Italian’s turn.

“Give me a great big plate of pasta,” said the Italian.

So they brought it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him. Now it was the Jew’s turn.

“I want a big bowl of strawberries, ” said the Jew.

“Strawberries!!! They aren’t even in season!”

“Nu, so I’ll wait…”

Funny Jokes About Jewish People And Their Food

admin — Fri, 01 Apr 2011 08:14:15 +0000

My mother once gave me two sweaters for Hanukkah.

The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one.

As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, “What’s the matter? You didn’t like the other one?”

A young man calls his mother and says he would like to bring his girlfriend home to meet his parents. Mama is thrilled — he’s never brought a girl home before! So Friday night, the table is set, the candles are ready to be lit, the challa and wine are on the table, and the doorbell rings. Mama opens the door to find her son accompanied by a stunningly beautiful and clearly Native American woman. “Hello, Mrs. Cohen,” she says, “I’m Running Deer.” “Hello, Dear,” replies Mama, “I’m Sitting Shiva.”

“Give me the best French wine and French bread,” he requested.

So they gave it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him. Next it was the Italian’s turn.

“Give me a great big plate of pasta,” said the Italian.

So they brought it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him. Now it was the Jew’s turn.

“I want a big bowl of strawberries, ” said the Jew.

“Strawberries!!! They aren’t even in season!”

“Nu, so I’ll wait…”

Two historian, one Chinese, one Jewish, are comparing notes.

Says the Chinese historian: “You know, we have the world’s oldest culture. It goes back 4,000 years!”

“Sorry, we have that beat,” the Jewish historian. “Our culture is 5,000 years old!”

The Chinese historian’s mouth gapes. “Wow! Where did your people eat for 1,000 years?”

Two historian, one Chinese, one Jewish, are comparing notes.

Says the Chinese historian: “You know, we have the world’s oldest culture. It goes back 4,000 years!”

“Sorry, we have that beat,” the Jewish historian. “Our culture is 5,000 years old!”

The Chinese historian’s mouth gapes. “Wow! Where did your people eat for 1,000 years?”

Funny Jokes About Jewish Mothers

admin — Mon, 14 Mar 2011 08:11:41 +0000

My mother once gave me two sweaters for Hanukkah.

The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one.

As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, “What’s the matter? You didn’t like the other one?”

“Give me the best French wine and French bread,” he requested.

So they gave it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him. Next it was the Italian’s turn.

“Give me a great big plate of pasta,” said the Italian.

So they brought it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him. Now it was the Jew’s turn.

“I want a big bowl of strawberries, ” said the Jew.

“Strawberries!!! They aren’t even in season!”

“Nu, so I’ll wait…”

Two historian, one Chinese, one Jewish, are comparing notes.

Says the Chinese historian: “You know, we have the world’s oldest culture. It goes back 4,000 years!”

“Sorry, we have that beat,” the Jewish historian. “Our culture is 5,000 years old!”

The Chinese historian’s mouth gapes. “Wow! Where did your people eat for 1,000 years?”

A young man calls his mother and says he would like to bring his girlfriend home to meet his parents. Mama is thrilled… he’s never brought a girl home before! So Friday night, the table is set, the candles are ready to be lit, the challah and wine are on the table, and the doorbell rings. Mama opens the door to find her son accompanied by a stunningly beautiful and clearly Native American woman.

“Hello, Mrs. Cohen,” she says, “I’m Running Deer.”

“Hello, Dear,” replies Mama, “I’m Sitting Shiva.”

Funny Jewish Chanukah Jokes

admin — Mon, 28 Feb 2011 08:11:33 +0000

My mother once gave me two sweaters for Hanukkah.

The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one.

As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, “What’s the matter? You didn’t like the other one?”

“Give me the best French wine and French bread,” he requested.

So they gave it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him. Next it was the Italian’s turn.

“Give me a great big plate of pasta,” said the Italian.

So they brought it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him. Now it was the Jew’s turn.

“I want a big bowl of strawberries, ” said the Jew.

“Strawberries!!! They aren’t even in season!”

“Nu, so I’ll wait…”

Two historian, one Chinese, one Jewish, are comparing notes.

Says the Chinese historian: “You know, we have the world’s oldest culture. It goes back 4,000 years!”

“Sorry, we have that beat,” the Jewish historian. “Our culture is 5,000 years old!”

The Chinese historian’s mouth gapes. “Wow! Where did your people eat for 1,000 years?”

My mother once gave me two sweaters for Chanukah.

The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one.

As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, “What’s the matter? You didn’t like the other one?”

#9 Complaining / Kvetching

admin — Tue, 05 Oct 2010 15:24:00 +0000

Jews love complaining. Of course we don’t like talking about it, or putting it out in the open, but we can’t help doing it… it’s in our genes. Complaining and/or kvetching as Bubbie would call it, is a way of life for the Jews. Many Jews actually use their complaining voice as a substitute for a normal talking voice. It’s easy to hear such a voice when you read the sentences below.

“Oh my god this sofa just isn’t as comfortable as it used to be. I remember when it felt like I was sitting on a cloud… now it just feels like a big rock under my touchas.”
“You know this museum really isn’t up to par with the others in the city. For one, they had all that scaffolding outside… who wants to see scaffolding outside of a museum? And then the water fountain was spitting out warm water. The sink water was cooler. I had to drink from the sink and washed my hands in the fountain. I think I’ll go to a different museum next time.”
“They call this a soup? It looks like mush. A good soup, and trust me I know a good soup, has a perfect balance between liquid and solid. This my friend, is a mush. This is for the birds. No, nevermind. What bird would eat this? No bird I know would eat this. I don’t know any birds… but I do know soups… this is no soup.”

Though complaining is frowned upon in most circumstances, as a Jew it is celebrated and even looked upon as a important part of being a Jew. How are you ever going to get the best if you don’t know how to complain about the worst?

*I’ve been asked about the baby pictured above… he is indeed a Jewish boy being groomed for a long illustrious life of kvetching.

#8 Cooking

admin — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 03:12:04 +0000

Jews love to cook. Whether it’s eggs in the morning, a ruben on rye at lunch, or baked ziti for dinner (not a traditional Jewish food, but we sure seem to enjoy it), they love cooking. As the old saying goes, “a rose is a rose, a book is a book, a Jew is a Jew because he loves to cook.” I just made that up right now, so please don’t ever repeat it, as no one has heard of it. But you did go with it. Why? Because you, like everyone, know Jews love cooking.

There is one important part of a Jewish kitchen… there is only ONE designated cook. There might be chef assistants and helpers, but there is only ONE chef. If you’re ever confused as to who is the head chef…just listen for the one yelling the loudest (in a Jewish kitchen everyone yells… but the loudest is the chef). The head chef will dictate what will be cooked, how to cook it and when it’s time to get out of their kitchen before you go to sleep hungry.

Since the beginning of time the kosher kitchen was dominated by the women (still is), but with so many working mothers now, many Jewish men have filled the position as the kosher cook, and when the men don’t step in, usually it’s a Latin live in house keeper and/or whoever delivers. But this is rare, as most Jews will not give up the opportunity to cook, because they know every meal is another chance to spend time with friends, family and loved ones.

As long as a meal brings people together, Jews will be more than happy to cook it.

#7 Delis

admin — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 04:10:00 +0000

Jews love delis! There isn’t a deli in the world that doesn’t have a Jew in it (well maybe the delis in the West Bank and part of the Gaza strip) but all other delis are packed full of Hebrews…and why wouldn’t they be? There’s so much wonderful food to choose from. With rubens and tuna melts, white fish and onion soup, and even challah bread french toast served ALL DAY, it’s easy to see why Jews love delis.

Most Jews have their own personal favorite deli. Though they will visit hundreds, if not thousands, of delis throughout their lifetime, there’s always one they favor most. If asked, sometimes even when no one asks, they will recount their experiences of perfectly golden potato pancakes and tell you all about Evelyn, the waitress who always made sure their coffee cup was full. They’ll tell you what to order at what time of the day and remind you if you ever stop by there, tell the staff Cadillac Lou said hello and he still hasn’t had a better bowl of cole slaw.

Delis are a home away from home for Jewish people and as of recent they are a great way to meet Jewish people (check your local deli around 11:00am on any Sunday and you’ll see it packed full of Kosher customers chomping away at their favorite meal). Many deli’s are actually owned by Jews…but not because of the opportunity to be a successful business, but simply so they can eat free deli food everyday. Running a booming business is great…but running a booming business that also gets you free lox on your bagel every morning is what Jewish life is all about.

As long as delis are open they will be apart of Jewish culture.

#6 Birth Right

admin — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 20:09:35 +0000

What’s better than a completely free vacation? You figure it out yet? Probably not…because nothing is better than a free vacation. So when Jewish young adults between 18-27 get the opportunity to go the Israel for 10 days completely free, just because they are Jewish, they make sure their passport is in good standing and their bags are packed.

Birth Right was started in 2000 with the goal of young Jews coming to the homeland to find or develop roots with the state of Israel. It has since become a prerequisite for any young Jew who wants to keep their parents extremely happy knowing their child is getting in touch with their heritage. The kids actually end up benefiting, as they soon realize the trip is mostly partying in Israel and hooking up with hottie fellow Jews who have also convinced their parents this is a ’spiritual trip’. Though most Jews are completely in love with Israel after returning from the trip, it’s the hookahs, disco techs, and and wild Israeli girls that seem to be what captured their hearts.

If you haven’t gone on birthright yet, I highly recommend it… if not for you, for your parents sake.