Jews love complaining. Of course we don’t like talking about it, or putting it out in the open, but we can’t help doing it… it’s in our genes. Complaining and/or kvetching as Bubbie would call it, is a way of life for the Jews. Many Jews actually use their complaining voice as a substitute for a normal talking voice. It’s easy to hear such a voice when you read the sentences below.

• “Oh my god this sofa just isn’t as comfortable as it used to be. I remember when it felt like I was sitting on a cloud… now it just feels like a big rock under my touchas.”
• “You know this museum really isn’t up to par with the others in the city. For one, they had all that scaffolding outside… who wants to see scaffolding outside of a museum? And then the water fountain was spitting out warm water. The sink water was cooler. I had to drink from the sink and washed my hands in the fountain. I think I’ll go to a different museum next time.”
• “They call this a soup? It looks like mush. A good soup, and trust me I know a good soup, has a perfect balance between liquid and solid. This my friend, is a mush. This is for the birds. No, nevermind. What bird would eat this? No bird I know would eat this. I don’t know any birds… but I do know soups… this is no soup.”

Though complaining is frowned upon in most circumstances, as a Jew it is celebrated and even looked upon as a important part of being a Jew. How are you ever going to get the best if you don’t know how to complain about the worst?

*I’ve been asked about the baby pictured above… he is indeed a Jewish boy being groomed for a long illustrious life of kvetching.

There is one important part of a Jewish kitchen… there is only ONE designated cook. There might be chef assistants and helpers, but there is only ONE chef. If you’re ever confused as to who is the head chef…just listen for the one yelling the loudest (in a Jewish kitchen everyone yells… but the loudest is the chef). The head chef will dictate what will be cooked, how to cook it and when it’s time to get out of their kitchen before you go to sleep hungry.

Since the beginning of  time the kosher kitchen was dominated by the women (still is), but with so many working mothers now, many Jewish men have filled the position as the kosher cook, and when the men don’t step in, usually it’s a Latin live in house keeper and/or whoever delivers. But this is rare, as most Jews will not give up the opportunity to cook, because they know every meal is another chance to spend time with friends, family and loved ones.

As long as a meal brings people together, Jews will be more than happy to cook it.

Most Jews have their own personal favorite deli. Though they will visit hundreds, if not thousands, of delis throughout their lifetime, there’s always one they favor most. If asked, sometimes even when no one asks, they will recount their experiences of perfectly golden potato pancakes and tell you all about Evelyn, the waitress who always made sure their coffee cup was full. They’ll tell you what to order at what time of the day and remind you if you ever stop by there, tell the staff Cadillac Lou said hello and he still hasn’t had a better bowl of cole slaw.

Delis are a home away from home for Jewish people and as of recent they are a great way to meet Jewish people (check your local deli around 11:00am on any Sunday and you’ll see it packed full of Kosher customers chomping away at their favorite meal). Many deli’s are actually owned by Jews…but not because of the opportunity to be a successful business, but simply so they can eat free deli food everyday. Running a booming business is great…but running a booming business that also gets you free lox on your bagel every morning is what Jewish life is all about.

As long as delis are open they will be apart of Jewish culture.

Birth Right was started in 2000 with the goal of young Jews coming to the homeland to find or develop roots with the state of Israel. It has since become a prerequisite for any young Jew who wants to keep their parents extremely happy knowing their child is getting in touch with their heritage. The kids actually end up benefiting, as they soon realize the trip is mostly partying in Israel and hooking up with hottie fellow Jews who have also convinced their parents this is a ’spiritual trip’. Though most Jews are completely in love with Israel after returning from the trip, it’s the hookahs, disco techs, and and wild Israeli girls that seem to be what captured their hearts.

If you haven’t gone on birthright yet, I highly recommend it… if not for you, for your parents sake.

Before Jews came to Florida for two reasons… to retire and to visit they’re grandparents… who had already retired. But the warm weather, cookie cutter suburbs, and business opportunities have keep Jews coming by the truck load (BMW 5 series… in case you were wondering what truck was bringing the Hebrews to their new home). Matter of fact in the last twenty years so many Jews have decided to lay roots and start families in Florida that the average age of a Jew in the state of Florida has gone from 90 to almost 78 (that’s still good for a discount movie ticket).

Will Florida ever be Israel? No, but there’s a Falafal place in North Miami Beach that would make you think you’re in Tel Aviv. Will the rapid influx in Jewish people help elect a Jewish state governor? Maybe, but for the time being we are only concerned with taking over the media. Will temples keep popping up in the hearts of suburban communities all across the Sun Shine State? Yes, and on some holidays the community will actually fill them up.

All Jews celebrate Christmas. I know that might sound a little hard to believe, but it’s true. No they don’t put up fancy trees, hang wreaths and stockings, or go to midnight mass, but they do celebrate, and they do it at one of their favorite places, Chinese restaurants.

Jewish people love Chinese food. Show me a Jew that doesn’t love beef and broccoli or kung pao chicken and I’ll tell you to check his birth certificate, because he my friend, is not a Hebrew. Chinese foods is as Jewish as dreidels and sleep away camp. It’s just as important as college degrees and Bar Mitzvahs. If 75% percent of the body is made up of water, for Jews at least, the other 25% is made up of lo mein, egg rolls, and duck sauce. There’s something about the way those little China men cook that wonton soup that makes our Hebrew hearts smile. If we can’t get to the restaurant, then we’ll order take out. As long as we can get our weekly fix of fortune cookies everything is going to be just fine.

Chinese food is surely the chosen food of the chosen people.

Jews love coupons. Not necessarily the coupon itself, but the savings that comes alone with it. Anyone who grew up in a Jewish household can tell you coupons were a big part of life. In many homes there was actually ‘coupon day’, where mom would sit around the table with the kids spending hours cutting out coupons. Now there might be some doubters that not all Jews did this, BUT even rich Jews realize the importance of .50 cents off 96 oz bottle of laundry detergent or $1 off a three pack of socks.

From a young age Jews realize the importance of a coupon. After a couple crappy gift filled holidays Jewish kids quickly learned if you really want something from mom or dad the best way to ensure you getting it was to have a coupon to go along with that request. Santa might get you whatever you want just by sitting on his lap and asking, but for Jewish kids there isn’t a Chanuka list that doesn’t have coupons stapled to the back. Eight days, eight coupons.

A lot of Jews keep coupons in their wallet and purses like cash. You never know when you might spot a 64 pack of root beer or a family size box of raisins. Whatever they’re for, usually something you don’t, nor would ever consider buying, they save you money and that my friend makes all the difference.

It’s said Jews first fell in love with bagels after they got out of the desert (lie). After 40 years of matzah they were desperate for another dough based bread and the bagel soon found itself in the kitchens of Jewish homes around the world. Whether it’s plain, a toasted poppy seed, or a everything with smear and lox, it’s a wonderful addition to any Jew’s day.